Blair Witch (2016)

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the 2016 version of Blair Witch is actually NOT a re-make of the 1999 classic mother of all "Found Footage" films but a loose sequel.

Set in 2016 a group of young 'uns once again enter the Black Hills Forest, led by James, the much younger brother of Heather from the original movie who is looking for some sort of answers to her disappearance all those years ago. The Scooby Gang in completed by three friends and joined by two locals and "experts" on the Blair Witch.

Right from the start there are references to Rustin Parr - a man who was "possessed" or merely obeying the Blair Witch and killed seven children in the 1940s , making one stand facing the corner as he killed the other. This reference was featured in many of the fake documentaries around the time but I don't think it was mentioned in the original film, hence confusing a lot of people with the ending.

There is no mention of any of the events in Blair Witch 2. We presume that just didn't happen. It did, and you know it did, we just wish it didn't.

So in the 2016 sequel we get a lot of the same stuff - lots of blurry camera action as the kids run about scared out of their tiny minds screaming about such and such. People go missing, strange noises are heard in the night and the forest itself seems to have a mind if it's own. A lot of similar stuff as the original movie as well as far too many false jump-scares.

As the gang moves deeper into the forest they become confused, disorientated and one by one start to go missing.

However this time round, seventeen years on audiences need a bit more so we do actually get some scary stuff instead of just leaving it all up to what you don't see as in the original. There is also the advantage of technology as not only do the gang have Go-Pros and GPS but a drone - of course all of this fails so they just end up running in the dark while filming it.

Once again we encounter the house in the forest presumed to be the home of Rustin Parr and here *spoiler alert* we catch the odd glimpse of the witch herself. Spooky stuff.

I will say that for a sequel with big scary boots to fill it does stand up, even on it's own it would still stand up. Where as the 1999 original left lots up to your imagination and we still don't really know why the things that happened did or who indeed was behind the killings of the three young film makers - the 2016 Blair Witch only does that up to a certain point before actually moving into the realms of "...and here is the scary thingy".

It retains a lot of the suspense, there are still unexplained happenings, it's much more visual but still keeps within the same vein that you'd expect. What can I say other that - I was not let down!

9/10 Masks.

The Shallows (2016)

Since the success of Jaws people have been trying to make another decent shark movie. Maybe Deep Blue Sea aside (for the Sam Jackson scene alone) - not really any of them have been good.

The Shallows, now if you've seen 2010's The Reef and/or 2003's Open Water then you've seen this film already.

A girl goes surfing, gets wounded by a shark and ends up stranded while said shark swims about like it's got nothing better to do than try and eat her. As I'm sure that's exactly what sharks do.

If I'd never seen anything like this before then I'm sure it would have been an OK film. Sadly I have so it was just a bit of a yawn.

2/10 Masks

Cabin Fever (2016)

So let me just start off by saying that I have not actually seen the 2002 original version of the Eli Roth movie - so I had nothing to compare it to. Apparently it's something of a classic so maybe I should brush up and check that one out.

This 2016 remake apparently follows the same original script making only some changes that Eli Roth wanted to have in the original version.

A group of youngsters travel up to a secluded cabin for a chilled get away - which as we all know in horror film world just means that they're all probably going to die in one way or another, probably just as they start having sex.

So - one of them encounters a man in the woods and, ooops! He accidentally shoots him. Angry shot man comes for him later and finds him in the cabin but, this guy has some sort of infection and spreads it to some of the others.

The virus seemly eats away at your flesh and turns you a bit loopy - of course everyone starts getting infected and those that are not fight among themselves about what to do with the infected. Add to that a rabid dog lurking around and the townsfolk hell bent on stopping this infection from spreading.

Like I said, in horror movie world, you just don't go to a secluded cabin with your friends.

I really liked the slow burn of this one, you got to meet the characters and it didn't hit you in the face but built up at a great pace leaving us to the conclusion.

I will check out the remake but for a first time watching on this one, not bad at all.

5/10 Masks

31 (2016)

This long-awaited movie is without a doubt Rob Zombie's return to form. He's done a Tarantino in so much as he basically exploded onto the horror world with House Of 1000 Corpses and followed it up with The Devil's Rejects, which we all of course loved with a passion but he painted himself into a corner and put sadly his best work out their first and setting the bar very high for whatever came next.

Halloween was great but  the sequel... hmmm. Then the man just confused the hell out of us with Lords Of Salem. Personally I believe it to be an awesome movie and to be looked at as one that's not just there to give us what we want.

On to 31 - It gives you what you want. It's everything that Rob Zombie movies have led us to expect. We have the "maybe it's the 70s" flares and tight sports tees, 70s rock playing, tons of vomit-inducing violence, dirty psychopaths wearing human flesh and of course, Sherri Moon Zombie prancing about in next to nothing.

Again it borrows a lot from classic slasher films of the past - our heroes are a travelling group that encounter and are kidnapped by a gang and taken to "Murderworld" - a cross between Hostel 3 and Running Man.

Each member of the group are given survival odds by the overlookers who are betting on how long they will last as they are set loose in the compound to be hunted by a series of killers. A Spanish Nazi clown, two chainsaw-wielding clowns, the bastard offspring of Harley Quinn and Dr.Frank-N-Furter and the elite "Doom-Head".

Of course it's a ride of blood, guts, 70s FM classics and legendary soundbytes for future Death Metal albums.

While I take my head out of Mr.Zombie's rear for a while I will say that it is very familiar in style to his first two films, in fact some scenes are way too familiar as if they've been shot before. Overall however, you'll probably love it!

8/10 Masks

The Purge - Election Year (2016)

The third instalment in the Purge film franchise, in which I'm sure you already know - once a year everything becomes legal including murder, giving the citizens a chance to let of steam and basically go bonkers. This has, in the story helped the economy and led to a better life. However it is argued that all is happening is that they are getting rid of the less fortunate.

Well, if you've seen the first one then you already know this. If you've seen The Purge : Anarchy you know this again.

The third movie, The Purge : Election Year pits two politicians in the year 2022 in line for presidency  (one for, one opposed) against each other as the "for" leader decides that he's going to do away with the "against" during the purge as it seems that she has a chance of getting the vote and thus stopping the purge.

So we have her assassins trying to do away with her while she escapes and hides. There's a bit of a sub plot involving the resistance to the purge and the usual masked kids running about hacking at people.

The first one was a great idea, two didn't really cut the mustard and three...well, no, not really needed.

3/10 Masks.

The Other Side Of The Door (2016)

Remember that episode of The Big Bang Theory where Sheldon is dismayed at how Gremlins had only two rules that were both not followed thus leading to the cast deserving everything that they got?

Well, The Other Side Of The Door is like that, but with half as many rules.

Sarah Wayne "that-one-out-of-walking-dead" Callies (who for some reason is living in India) has recently lost her son in a car accident where she was forced to chose between saving her son (fail!) or her daughter (sexist!). She's all upset and guilty n'stuff to the point of trying to take her own live...again another fail.

She has this wise old Indian housekeeper (slave owner too!) that tells her about an old temple in her home village where there is a door to "the other side". Not sure how the contractors built that in but there we go.

At this door you can talk to your dead loved ones through it. BUT...you must NEVER open it. Guess what ol' Prison-Break-Face does?

Kiddy comes back all spooky n'stuff, there is a nuddy man speaking gibberish and things die all over the place.

Not scary really, a wee bit creepy but for the most part just stupid. Do not open the door!! You had one rule!

Door Supervisor - Phil Tippett.

1/10 Masks

The Conjuring 2 (2016)

About ten years ago I bought the very cheap DVD in the sales, "Tomb Raider 2" - The review/blurb on the cover had only one magazine quote; "Better Than The First One".

...and that's where we are with The Conjuring 2. It's better than the first one. If we remember The Conjuring, it was one of those horror films in the vein of the Hollywood blockbusters of the time, Insidious etc. It fell flat and was a bit poo and spawned the spin-off "Annabelle", which was also poo.

What it did have was a basis in "reality" with the introduction of Ed and Lorraine Warren - the real life Scooby Gang who's most famous "case" was perhaps The Amityville haunting.

The Conjuring 2 focuses on British soil with the case of the Enfield Poltergeist, a real life case in the 70s which had some great photos and footage come from it and a lot of speculation surrounding it. Eventually dismissed as a hoax TC2 makes light of this and of course puts it's own spooky spin on it.

The previous home owner seems to be taking control of one of the children, we have things being thrown about, children flying, possessed voices and of course apparitions. 

We've got our usual jump-scares (one did make me jump like a small child) and much like the best horror movies of the day we've got a bunch of news stories such as a man dying then vanishing after watching TC2 and a woman getting possesed in the cinema.

Back in reality however what we've got it quite a solid spooky film that while it works stood alone also expands on The Warrens, should you wish to get a deeper meaning from it. It dares to break away from our standard "Horror-Wood" mold (no Lin Shaye!) and could see a turning point for semi-decent big budget horror.

8/10 Masks

Before I Wake (2016)

Well.... After the trailer that happened sometime last year I have been looking forward to this one as it looked awesome! The verdict? Dude seriously! Horror films should NOT have a happy ending or try to carry some sort of message - they should be pure gore and scare. Full stop.

So the concept. Amazing. Kate Bosworth and (back with a vengeance at the moment for some reason) Thomas Jane are a couple that lost their child (another common theme with horror at the moment) and adopt a young boy, Cody.

Cody is obviously an oddball - he never sleeps. When he does he dreams and the dreams come true - like really true at the time when he's dreaming them. We have a bunch of fairy-light butterflies flapping about and that sort of stuff. It's sweet.

However his nightmares come true as well. Including his personal demon "The Kanker Man" who...is scary as hell and eats people. After a few nightmares The Kanker Man actually eats the locals..nom nom nom.

With the couple missing their son, they realise that if they get Cody to dream about him, he returns for a brief period. This little trick by the way, has been tried and tested with Cody's previous foster parents. But when they get the nice, they get the nasty - including, you guessed it - The Kanker Man.

So this is the premise. It's great and we have some awesome creepy bits. As Cody can only dream up what he's seen and as he's quite young there are some awesome bits such as a dead wife from his imagination, with a spooky fixed-smile doll face. A woman gouging eyes out of a child etc.

However - the plot goes into the area of......lame!

There's a reason for The Kanker Man, there's a reason for everything, and when we get to the end and it tries to go into happy-ending mode, turn off. This ruins the whole movie, last 20mins should literally be fed to The Kanker Man.

Great concept, ruined by the Hollywood style ending.

6/10 Masks.

Hush (2016)

Straight to Netflix is the new "straight to video" - however, since the TV shows Netflix puts on are pretty good it doesn't always mean a direct drop in quality.

Hush is one of those films that has just about enough in it to be interesting. The home invasion concept is something that we've seen a lot of and the premise is a good solid base to work on.

Maddie is an author that lives in relative isolation - she lost her hearing in her youth and has been totally deaf since then. One evening her friendly neighbour comes to visit and is promply hacked to bits by a masked psycho on her way home.

The home invasion then starts with our masked man realising that he's picked on a deaf victim so is able to perform some creepy stuff such as taking her phone and sending photos from it to her home computer. Also he can sneak around. This potential for suspense however is quickly dispersed when our invader reveals himself.

What then follows is your bog-standard cat and mouse routine with not a lot of excitement or unexpected happenings.

There's another death but that's it and it all comes to a rather dull and predictable end.

If you're looking for something to fill your time while washing up then this is fine, it's not terrible it's just that the novelty runs dry very quickly and then we're just left with the sort of thing that we've seen many times before.

4/10 Masks

The Offering (2016)

This movie is also known as "The Faith Of Anna Waters" for some unknown reason like many films, one title is never enough.

Summed up....

Our heroine, Jamie, goes to Singapore after the death of her sister to investigate said grissly end. It turns out that the sister, Anna killed herself live on video and told her daughter that she would return in seven days.

Anna's ex-husband teams up with Jamie to delve into this death when it's revealed that another girl did the same killy-death-on-video thing, also claiming that she'd be back in seven days.

Then comes a secondary plot where two priests think that the Biblical Tower of Babel is going to be rebuilt and the church websites are being hacked by an unknown something.

Back in plot 1, the daughter is visited by spooky stuff (thinking it's her mum coming back) and the two detectives discover satanic marks and what seems to be a plan to bring back an ancient demon.

So we have a lot of plots and stuff going on and overlapping. Our film creator is left spinning a lot of plates and dosn't quite carry it off. There is simply too much in too short a space of time. When we do get to the crunch, it wasn't worth it really and we're left with a big bag of over-used cliches and rip-offs.

Overall the tone of this was quite good and full of promise, quite a few jumpy scares and a drag-you-in story, until it all goes to plop.

The Offering started to bring something new to the table and then just dragged it away. Maybe with a re-cut or an extended version we could get a quite decent film but as it's been released it's not amazing.

Not bad, just not amazing.

4/10 Masks